9 ways on how to deal with a coworker/colleague that tries to undermine you
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It is inevitable that most of us at some point in our careers will encounter a coworker or colleague that will attempt to undermine us. It’s frankly annoying, and can potentially be emotionally triggering. The key is not to let them see you being triggered. Easier said than done, trust us – we know!
Before we share 9 ways with you on how to handle an undermining coworker or colleague, let’s look at what the definition of undermining behaviour is so we all start from the same point.
What is undermining behaviour?
Undermining behaviour is where an individual (or individuals) exhibits behaviour that attempts to make another individual (or individuals) feel inferior and less valuable than they are.
How to handle a coworker or colleague trying to undermine you at work
How do you deal with a negative coworker/colleague?
How do you handle a rude coworker/colleague?
How to respond to a disrespectful coworker/colleague?
These are some of the “politer” questions you probably have when dealing with difficult coworkers/colleagues. It’s worth noting that every situation is different and is nuanced with a multitude of factors. There is no one right way of handling such matters. However, the below should provide you with some ideas on how to tackle that irritating coworker/colleague.
1. Remain professional
Recognize what they’re trying to do and don’t react or show that they’ve triggered you. The reality might be that you’re seething on the inside, wanting to “put them in their place”. But you should realize that they’re, more often than not, insecure little bullies. If you react, insecure bullies might thrive off this. Your motto should be to remain “cool, calm and collected”, at least on the exterior. If you act unprofessional, your coworker/colleague could end up using this against you, i.e. by reporting you to HR.
2. Acknowledge and document
It’s important to not let your coworker/colleague’s toxic behaviour slide, otherwise they’ll continue and it’s possible that it could get worse. Where you can, document their behaviour – capturing dates, times, what they did and others that were around that observed or listened to their toxic behaviour. If you have any emails from your toxic colleague/coworker where they’ve attempted to undermine you in writing, even better. Create a separate and private folder and store copies of any emails here.
Taking this approach will provide you with a timeline of evidence in case this is required by your boss or HR. It could even be useful if your colleague/coworker asks you to give examples of any undermining behaviour. You have facts to hand.
3. Calmly confront and set boundaries
It can feel confrontational to calmly address your coworker/colleague that is trying to undermine you. However, it is essential as a first step before escalating the matter to the next appropriate channels, i.e., your boss or HR.
Speak to them privately at work and be clear and professional. Use facts to explain what is and isn’t acceptable. If they become defensive, remain calm and assert yourself explaining that their continued behaviour is not acceptable.
4. Document your communication where appropriate
If you’ve confronted your coworker/colleague and nothing changes, try to limit your communication in writing as a starting point. Ensure you save this written communication somewhere secure. This will help you to prove your position in case the situation blows up. Remember, try to stay calm and professional. If your coworker/colleague is passive aggressive or rude in their written communication, you’ve got this as evidence substantiating their behaviour. Just make sure you don’t make it obvious that you’re documenting their actions and behaviour!
5. Raise it with your boss and HR, accordingly
Your company and country you’re based in will likely determine the employment rules around raising a grievance against a colleague/coworker. Be sure to read up on your employer’s procedures and follow these to the letter. Document your steps as well, in case this becomes a legal matter (we hope it doesn’t, but it would be remiss of us not to help you be aware that this is a possibility).
In any case, if you can, speak with your direct supervisor first before escalating this matter to HR. This, of course, unless your toxic coworker/colleague has really crossed the line where it’s a no-brainer to officially report it, e.g., they physically attacked you.
6. Don’t take it personally
Unless your toxic coworker/colleague has done something really personal towards you, e.g. physically attack you (which we hope never happens), it can be difficult to not take it personally. Remember, their actions and behaviour are a “them” problem and not on you. It says a lot about their character and it’s more to do with their own insecurities and fear.
Remaining cool, calm and collected in an assertive manner, in a professional capacity is a real strength of character.
7. Avoid gossiping with other colleagues/coworkers
Gossiping about your toxic coworker/colleague with other coworkers can be incredibly tempting. However, by engaging in this behaviour, not only is it unprofessional, it could backfire and this could be used against you by your toxic coworker/colleague as bullying behaviour. Wild, we know, but completely possible.
Furthermore, engaging in workplace drama can lead to tension with other coworkers/colleagues – not something you should promote.
8. Prioritize self-care during non-working hours
All of this is likely to be mentally and emotionally draining on you. If you have a demanding job, this is going to be added pressure that you didn’t ask for. This is why it is even more important to take part in something that relaxes you outside of work and makes you happier.
Whether you spend more time with family, exercise, read, baking or anything really, as long as you’re present in the moment while you’re engaging in the activity, this will be an outlet to help you disconnect from your workplace matter.
9. Seek professional help
It is absolutely normal to seek professional help if your workplace issue becomes overwhelming for you, such that it’s beginning to impact your wellbeing. Professional help can be a therapist, counsellor or a work coach that can help provide you with objective guidance on navigating your personal situation.
We acknowledge that not everyone has the means or accessibility to seek professional help. In this case, vent and/or seek guidance from family or friends that you trust. Equally, you can post in the Job Honesty forum to let off some steam – anonymously.